He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
