I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize