I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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