Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
