I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
