thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize