drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I think your dad took our porno
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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