walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
