I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
