I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
