Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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