i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
