Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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