make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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