Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
