cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
