happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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