I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
