We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
