Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
