Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
She needs sedatives and a leash
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
