Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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