Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Randomize
