I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
