Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
