I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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