Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I have aggressive nipples.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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