Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
