She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
