somebody snuck up and got me drunk
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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