I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
