I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize