Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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