What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
