I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
