I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
