I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
