Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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