captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
