My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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