Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
