i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
