Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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