There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
