Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
