I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
