someone threw a dead crab at me
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
