I got chris browned last night
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Randomize
