My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
