New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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