Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
