I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
