my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
