how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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