I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Someone shattered a urinal.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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