yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
