Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
