I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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